Sunday, March 1, 2015

The little bumps in the road are sometimes hard to haul myself over.

I'm not a patient person. Never have been.  Despite trying to be better at taking some deep breaths throughout the day along with counting backwards from 10 before the white trash mom voice yells out I still find myself with road rage, frustration with trying to teach my children (don't enjoy math or spelling homework), and totally lose it internally in Grocery lines when having to wait for longer than 5 minutes to start hauling my load onto the conveyor belt.

So it doesn't surprise me that my "hiccup" in my training schedule/rehab has not gone over well, internally with me, and probably externally (bet my kids would tell you I've been quick to snap at them this week).  I have been progressing and was able to run for 14 minutes straight last week.  I've also been doing some physical activity daily since the first day of Lent (part of my "to do" list for Lent).  I normally walk at least 10 minutes or more on the treadmill with some abs, knee/PT, and the days I'm suppose to run I do.  So Tuesday I headed to the gym to spin on a bike for 15 minutes getting in 5 miles of pretty much flat road, followed by weighted toe raises, one leg sitting leg press, abs, and arms.  Well the next day I was sore, and by Thursday I was really sore and worse yet really swollen at the top of my knee.  By Friday I was at PT able to do none of the exercises because my PT really felt the best activity for me was no-activity, also known as rest, ice and elevation.  So I'm now to Sunday and the swelling has improved, but when a retired veternarian from church remarks on the residual swelling in my right knee peaking out between the right boot and skirt line on my right leg I knew the swelling was still there. 

I'm compensating- trying to avoid any up and down stairs.  No treadmilling it until the swelling goes down and of course: rest, ice and Ibuprofen (Oh and of course a "natalie pour" or two). 

I had really felt like I was making progress a week ago and I know I likely still am, and don't doubt that I will be able to run one day, but as I told "the coach" (aka husband) it is sometimes hard for me to be optimistic.  I still have a pile of old Runner's Worlds below my night stand at my bedside, because I just can't read about running right now.  I've become very disconnected from the Tri group I was an active member of last year.  I just am not where those people are right now.  If I can't even ride a bike for 15 minutes without my knee blowing up I shouldn't be joining in on "Sufferfest" Spin with the group.  I see people out running with all their cold weather gear and feel resentful and depressed.  It will be a long time before I can just lace up and go for a run.  I miss that freedom, and I miss the training, the planning, the organizing my schedule to accomodate those activities with the rest of my life.   It also bums me out to think I might just actually have to becomes friends with "MyFitness Pal" APP and track all my dietary intake, because without expending my normal energy/burning calories I'm going to have to stay a health size by, oh yes that hated word, moderation, in my eating.  I'm not a bad eater, but I eat a lot and don't always make the right decisions because I'm such an emotional eater. 

So I tell myself "suck it up buttercup" (one day I will have a t-shirt with this eloquent saying on it). 
 
I keep moving forward- I sign up for a 30 day plank/push-up challenge (www.eatdrinkandbeskinny.com) and keep dreaming about running.  I try to busy myself with the rest of my life, which is full and indeed I'm grateful for loving to do so many different things.  I still miss it and miss my fit body and the emotional health I got from training and running. 

So if you see me driving my car or even taking a walk and you are running and I look the other way or worse yet glare at you know that it is only my own deficit of physically not being able to do what you are doing that is brining out this beast of impatience and disappointment. 

One day I will be back, oh yes, I'm determined, but just not sure when that "one day" will be.
 "Suck It Up Buttercup !"